Scene opens in dark and dusty office in the DfE’s data bunker deep within the core of a dormant volcano somewhere around the Pacific rim. A phone rings.
and rings.
and rings.
Eventually it is answered by a man wearing a boiler suit and a hard hat.
DfE: “Hello. DfE Data Bunker. How can I help?”
HT: “Hello, I’m a new primary headteacher and I have a few questions about data”
DfE: “Well, you’ve come to the right place. Fire away.”
HT: “It’s about the primary assessment gateway”
DfE: “Ah, yes. The one-stop-shop for all things primary assessment. You’re in for a treat.”
HT: “Sorry, what?”
DfE: “Nothing. Carry on”
HT: “Well, I’ve looked at the list of services and there appears to be a few things missing.”
DfE: “Really? Are you sure? Like what?”
HT: “Well, I can see I can access test materials for phonics, KS1 and KS2”
DfE: “Yes. It’s good isn’t it?”
HT: “And I can upload KS2 teacher assessments.”
DfE: “Yes. It covers all bases. Was there anything else?”
HT: “What about KS1 teacher assessments?”
DfE: “What about them?”
HT: “Well, I can upload those too, right?”
DfE: “Ah, about that.”
HT: “about what?”
DfE: “You send those to the LA”
HT: “I send the KS2 teacher assessments to you but the KS1 assessments to the LA?”
DfE: “Yes”
HT: “and Phonics results”
DfE: “LA”
HT: “EYFSP to the LA as well by any chance?”
DfE: “You’re getting the hang of this.”
HT: “and the results? I get the KS2 results from the primary assessment gateway?”
DfE: “Yes”
HT: “and other results, too?”
DfE: “No.”
HT: “What? Where do I get those from?”
DfE: “Well, you already have those”
HT: “But the national figures?”
DfE: “Hang on, I’ll ask Dave. DAVE! WHERE DO SCHOOLS GET NATIONAL FIGURES FROM? WHAT? WELL, PUT THE PASTY DOWN THEN.”
(muffled shouting)
DfE: “Dave says you get them from ASP”
HT: “Is that in the primary assessment gateway?”
DfE: “Hang on. DAVE! IS ASP IN THE PRIMARY ASSESSMENT GATEWAY?”
(muffled shouting)
DfE: “Dave says no. You’ll need to log in to DfE sign-in”
HT: “and that’s different?”
DfE: “Very”
HT: “and the national figures are available straightaway I assume? Please don’t ask Dave”
DfE: “Well, not straightaway exactly?”
HT: “when then?”
DfE: “October maybe?”
HT: “Maybe?”
DfE: “November definitely”
HT: “Can’t I get them earlier than that?”
DfE: “Yes, of course. From Perspective.”
HT: “Is that accessible via the primary assessment gateway”
DfE: “Gosh no. Perspective is nothing to do with us. But your LA might provide access.”
HT: “What if they don’t?”
DfE: “FFT run an early results service”
HT: “and if I don’t subscribe?”
DfE: “then November. Definitely”
HT: (loud sigh) “OK. What about the reception baseline? Dare I ask if that can be accessed via the primary assessment gateway?”
DfE: “I’m afraid not. Separate system.”
HT: “Multiplication Tables Check?”
DfE: “Would you believe that that is also a separate system?”
HT: “Tables Checking?”
DfE: “The what?”
HT: “The tables checking exercise in September.”
DfE: “You’ll never guess…”
HT: “So let me recap. The primary assessment gateway is the place go for all things primary assessment unless it involves EYFSP, phonics, KS1, MTC, RBA, tables checking, or ASP?”
DfE: “Well, almost.”
HT: “Almost?”
DfE: “You forgot the IDSR.”
(the sound of telephone being smashed to pieces followed by dial tone. Scene fades to black)